My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
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how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
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put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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