you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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