Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
