My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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