1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
