i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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