You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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