saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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