we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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