He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
