I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
