i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
of course. lets lasso hookers.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
