dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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