Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
