uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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