The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
