the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
