I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
