tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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