It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
