I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
