Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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