He disabled his match.com account in front of me
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I am one with the molecules
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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