I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
