I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
