Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
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