I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
