You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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