I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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