smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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