things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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