you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Congratulations! We have a period
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