Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Some Animals Are Total Jerks (10+ pics)
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"