she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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