There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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