Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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