Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
