My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
