babies were throwing up all over the place
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
