Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
