i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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