So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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