genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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