in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
