roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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