i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
