There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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