I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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