Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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