I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
