the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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