I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
