not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
