you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
