Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
