Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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