you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
